Burnt to a crisp or bloody as hell?

Poor girl. A waitress was reduced to tears the other night because of an unruly customer having temperature issues with her steak (apparently it was underdone when it came out, then overcooked after she sent it back, or something like that). What really sent the waitress fleeing to bathroom, however, was when the fed-up woman hissed at her, "It's because of you that I'm eating cold pizza tonight."

I probably would've fared better with that table, as I happen to love cold pizza (an enthusiastic "Ooh! Can I come over?" would've been a fun reply). I do feel bad for the waitress, but she really needs to let confrontations like that roll off her back if she wants to keep her sanity at this place (our restaurant's clientele send food back like it's a bodily function). When I was a line cook at my previous job, an old man told me that I ruined his Fourth of July. Feh.

Another lovely conversation

I preferred the deaf woman. The following is yet another transcription of yet another customer dispute that occurred the other day. This, unlike the last one I posted, was verbal and relatively quick, but no less irritating. Brief setup: I'm the only front-of-house employee in the restaurant when a young woman enters. She looks at the menu for about two seconds before deciding on our special omelet of the day (containing tomato, squash, scallions, ham, and cheddar), but without the ham. Well-acquainted with our restaurant's policies, I know there's no way in hell the kitchen will modify a special like that, so we proceed to squabble. Did I mention the woman had her sunglasses on the entire time, despite being indoors? According to Larry David, that means she's either blind or an asshole. I'm opting for the latter.

-----

Customer (after I politely deny her request to remove the ham): "Well, what, is it pre-made or something?"

Me: "No, it's not pre-made, I'm afraid we just don't modify anything that's on our written specials board. If you'd like, you can always create your own omelet from the regular menu."

Customer: "I'm a vegetarian - you're telling me I can't have that omelet made without meat?!"

Me: "That particular omelet, no, but again, you can easily create a vegetarian omelet from our regular menu. Also, we have a variety of really delicious vegetarian egg dishes up there, like our southwest burrito, truffle egg toast, and strata. The strata's an Italian-based, deep-dish egg..."

Customer (cutting me off): "I know what strata is! I don't why you're being so difficult, the other gentleman who's behind the register lets me do this. I've done it all the time."

Me (caught off-guard by her complete lie, a look of bewilderment slips through my polite mask): "Um, we never modify our specials. I've worked here for three years and we've never done that."

Customer: "The other man does it for me."

Me: "No, he doesn't. Now I'm sorry, ma'am - I don't make the rules, but I do have to enforce them."

Customer: "There! That's just it - you said 'rules'. You shouldn't say that, because I'm the customer, and now you're just insulting me."

Me: "Insulting you?"

Customer: "Yes!"

-----

And with that, the woman storms out as the two diners sitting at the bar burst into laughter. They witnessed the whole thing, sympathized with me, and we proceeded to have a good yuk about it. It's reassuring to know that at least some of our customers aren't insane.

Worst restaurant name EVER.

And I thought that title belonged to "Revolt" (from Top Chef: Las Vegas). Well, it's the Voltaggio brothers' lucky day, for there's a new winner in town (pretty close to my job, actually): The new restaurant/bar called "The Sinking Ship".

Seriously? "The Sinking Ship"? Are they trying to draw attention to the strong possibility they'll go belly-up in a couple years? Then again, maybe wearing this on their sleeve is a brilliant strategy, as it works both ways - stealing the thunder from snarky deriders ("Hello, we already know we suck..."), while being ironic if the place is actually a success. Best of luck, I suppose, but seriously - that name's terrible.

In other news: My new bistro, "The Failed Concept", is opening this week, so drop on by. It's right around the corner, across the street from "Bankruptcy BBQ" and "Closed Indefinitely Dry-cleaning".

"People fighting without speaking..."

The following is a rough transcription of a 10 to 15 minute argument I had with a customer at my job the other morning. No, I didn't jot these notes down after the fight - they indeed are the fight. See, this customer was deaf, so following my usual protocol in these scenarios, I used a nearby scrap of paper and pen to communicate and complete the transaction (little did I know what I was getting myself into this time).



As you can see, the woman orders a breakfast sandwich on an everything bagel, but made with only two eggs instead of the three we normally use. Now, as an experienced veteran of this particular restaurant, I'm painfully aware of which requests the head chef will accommodate or shoot down (spewing fire and brimstone at the poor server who dares to waste precious seconds of her life with such stupid and pointless inquiries). Unfortunately for my morning, this request falls under the latter. I try to reason with the customer, writing that although it must be three eggs total, the sandwich is cut in half, so she could share with her friend, save some for later, not eat the whole thing, and so on. All my counterpoints are repeatedly met with an angry grunt and finger thrust down on her originally written order. Several minutes have passed at this point and I'm getting nervous, as I simply can not afford to spend large chunks of time dealing with any one customer (I'm the only employee up front for the majority of the morning, leaving me solely responsible for all ordering/running/busing/barista duties, and so on). Desperate, I resort to putting my foot down (using that "must" you see up there), but still trying to keep things as light as possible by saying that "she'll love it!". I'll let you decipher and dissect the rest of the argument, but just know that in the end, I was victorious. Despite the customer being hell-bent on getting her "2 w/cheese and bacon", I finally got her to order the breakfast sandwich the way it's normally prepared, and in the end, she stayed for a while and seemed to leave happy. Only left over a couple bites, too.

P.S. Please be aware that my job is to enforce the rules set by the head chef/owners. I have nothing to do with making them, and truly did everything in my power to make this customer happy without sacrificing my own neck. Sadly, these moral dilemmas where employees find themselves torn between good/evil and right/wrong aren't exactly rare.

Eggy in a Basket!

Just call me V!
First off, special thanks to Josh Eckert for helping me with the bitchin' new header you currently see at the top of your screen. As I'm slightly challenged when it comes to graphics, photoshop, and so on (something I'm trying to work on), his ideas and talent were a tremendous help. Be sure to check him and his work out on the above link while you're here - you'll thank me later. Much appreciated, my friend!

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Those of you who have seen the film V for Vendetta probably remember the scene where V makes Natalie Portman breakfast. His dish is later referred to as "Eggy in a Basket", but this popular breakfast item is also known as simply "Egg in a Basket", "Egg in a Frame", "Toad in a Hole", "One Eyed Toast" and other names. Seeing how delicious it looked in the movie got me in the mood to attempt one of my own - after all, it seemed simple enough. How hard could it be? Not very, it turns out, but there are a couple things to keep in mind when making it, so I'll give you a brief rundown of the steps:

1. Take a slice of bread and cut a whole in the middle. Some websites say to use a cookie cutter or shotglass, which is good advice, as the hole with my first attempt (cut with a regular butter knife) was way too small and ended up being dwarfed by the egg I cracked inside. And before you say anything, yes, I'm aware of how dirty that last part just sounded - let's try and stay mature, people (then again, maybe I'm just the sick one).

2. Butter both sides of the bread. I recommend using a bread that's thicker than normal and has some yield to it, as the regular, thin white bread I used was especially flimsy when attempting to butter it (the hole in the middle didn't help, either - perhaps I should've cut it out afterward). After practically hacking the bread to pieces and coming face-to-face with my stupidity (apparently I can't butter bread), I concluded that this problem could be avoided a few different ways: Again, use a thicker bread, toast the bread first (I myself don't own a toaster/toaster oven, but I do have a Foreman Grill and regular oven - jank, I know), soften the butter beforehand (it can be a little on the hard side just after leaving the fridge), or butter the pan/skillet, rather than the bread itself (but then you run into an issue when flipping, as one side will have used most of it up - that's your call, I suppose). Wow, I can't believe I just typed that much for such a simple step - perhaps I'm overthinking it a bit, no? Let me rephrase: Step two - butter the bread.

3. Melt some butter on your low-heat skillet (eh, even if you chose to butter the bread already, go for it - you can never use too much) and then place the bread down. Give it a few moments before...

4. ...taking an egg and cracking it into the middle of the hole.


Adding salt and/or pepper is optional here (I opted for it, as you can see). Wait until the egg begins to set before...

5. ...flipping it. Keep doing so until the egg's cooked the way you want (not very long for runny/over easy, a little longer if you want it more firm, and so on).



You're done! That's basically it, really, although I read a recipe that mentions "as a slight variation, you can put a slice of your favorite cheese and/or a deli thin slice of ham about a minute before it's done cooking. Do not flip once you've put the cheese on." Personally, I just prefer the simple method - when it's finished, you can essentially pick it up and eat it like a sandwich with minimal mess, save for a few crumbs. Don't sweat it if you botch the first couple attempts like I did (although it's safe to say you'll probably fare a little better) - you can just scramble it into a buttery, bready, eggy mess and chow down. No, it's not gonna win any awards for presentation or anything, but you'll get the flavor all the same. Good luck, and for inspiration, here's a couple more pics for the road, as well as one of Natalie. Now, if I could only get her to come to my apartment...

Top Chef DC - Recent Thoughts

SPOILERS BEWARE - DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN UP THROUGH THE RESTAURANT WARS EPISODE!!!
Whew, its been a while. What has happened since I last checked in? Let's see - Kenny going home for Restaurant Wars: I really don't see where all the shock/hatred is coming from (just read Tom's blog - people are absolutely furious). I mean, he was serving as the executive chef (a risky position, by even his own admission) on the losing team, and put up not one, but two bad dishes (one of the them even described as a "horror show" by the guest judge)! What did people expect? I had a feeling it was gonna be him going home pretty early into the episode, and as the challenge unfolded, it seemed more and more likely - again, not sure why viewers were caught so off guard. I mean, I can see Kenny and the blue team's frustration with his exile/their loss - the other team being an unorganized mess in the kitchen, Angelo freaking out, Alex being a dick to the waitstaff and barely making a personal dish, etc. However, I agree with what Gail said at judges' table - they're not interested in the behind-the-scenes drama of what the kitchen was like or who was rude to who, or whatever. All they base their judgment on is the food that's placed in front of them, and that's how it should be. With that protocol in mind, Kenny was the obvious choice, and even though Alex is undeniably a weaker chef (he has been on the bottom for almost every challenge, with even the one exception being suspect because of the whole pea puree incident), discussion of sending him home instead seemed moot. He was on the winning team, therefore, he's safe. Simple as that. And while it's frustrating to see Kenny leave while so many inferior chefs remain in the competition (Alex and Amanda spring to mind - probably Kelly and Kevin, too), I respect the judges' decision to base their elimination choice on the events of that day alone. Often it seems like they let the clearly superior chef get a pass or two in the interest of seeing the best and most deserving competitors make it to the end, and this was an exception where they proved me wrong. It was clearly Kenny's time to go, and any other decision would have rang false.

And let me go on record when saying that he has a serious shot at fan favorite - have thought so for weeks, so it's not just because of this Restaurant Wars episode. Why? A few reasons - people respond to his talent without the arrogance (which is why Angelo has zero shot), leadership skills (calm demeanor when running a smooth team, as opposed to being a dick), as well as the various struggles he has had to endure over the course of his life (battled cancer, first wife died in a car accident, etc). These combined with his supposed "premature" exit from the show seals it - people feel he got a raw deal, and rewarding him fan favorite (and the $10,000 that goes with it) would serve as a kind of compensation. I'm convinced it's either gonna be him or maybe Tiffany, as she's proven herself as not only talented, but modest, as well (the public definitely responds to a chef not just being great, but constantly unsure of themselves at the same time - think Stephanie from the Chicago season). Her positivity and enthusiasm aren't hurting her chances, either. That being said, it's kind of slim pickings when it comes to that award - none of these chefs' personalities are really leaping off the screen. But again, if I had to say now, it's Kenny or Tiffany. You heard it here first.

Hard to say who the final three will be - I'm gonna say Ed and Angelo are the best chefs right now (would have included Kenny to complete that trio, but obviously can't anymore). Maybe Kevin has a shot?

The judges' remarks about Kelly's front-of-house service were such back-handed compliments. If someone said that I had a "clumsy charisma", I wouldn't thank them in return.

About time that Stephen went home - I don't think he put up one good dish the entire season. You could tell that Tom was completely disgusted by his lack of skill (he couldn't even cook the rice properly...). Also, what was with the chimichurri for his Brazilian dish? Even I knew that it's an Argentinian sauce - just being from South America isn't the same, dude...

Little bummed that the recent seasons' Restaurant Wars episodes haven't had as much to do with the space/setup. To me, that was always part of the fun - not just the food, but also the decor, atmosphere, etc. Using the limited time/budget to actually set up a mock-restaurant, or at least the concept of one - not just execute a menu. How was this really "Restaurant Wars" and not any old regular challenge? It was basically just two teams against each other, each chef preparing a course, and one person acting as front-of-house. Again, not enough "restaurant" specific guidelines/curveballs.

EVOO, btw, is an awful name. We actually abbreviate "extra virgin olive oil" like that on the specials menu at my job, but never in a million years would I think that would work for the actual name of a place. Why is it so hard for the chefs to come up with good ones - remember Revolt from last season?

Also, meant to say this earlier, but Kenny's not completely off the hook when it comes to arrogance (although it's not as bad as Angelo, I admit). A fun Top Chef drinking game could be taking a shot anytime he refers to himself as a "beast", "preppin' weapon", "alpha male" or (insert corny descriptor here). You'd be plastered before seeing the outcome of the episode.

Biting The Big Apple - Part Two

Day Two: The next morning, fresh from sleeping in, James, Anand (his roommate), and I headed for Agua Dulce - a Latin influenced place that immediately sold me on its brunch menu. Meeting up with Daniel and Joyce on the way, we were quickly seated without any kind of wait for a table.

Torn between the Agua Dulce Benedicto (their version of eggs benedict - soft braised pork, lightly poached egg, fresh jalapeno cornbread with a chili lime hollandaise) and the Torreja de Media Noche (their version of french toast - Latin style french toast, thin sliced ham, swiss cheese, topped with a fried egg), I opted for the latter, which looked a little something like this:


Can't really see the ham and swiss in the above photo, but trust me, it was there. Pretty rich stuff, but boy was it good. When I got a forkful of all the components (after taking it for a syrup dunk, of course), I knew I had made the right decision. Almost finished the whole thing, but was ultimately hindered by the trio of guacamoles Anand (who's vegetarian) forced us to order and eat beforehand.


I remember one tasting fairly traditional, one a little tangy, and the other with a spicy kick - all were good, though (liked it more than I thought I would). Washed it all down with some cranberry juice (the perfect drink to cut through all the richness and balance things out) before heading back out into the blazing heat. Here are a couple more pictures from the meal, specifically that spin on eggs benedict I mentioned before, which I believe James and Joyce each ordered:



Later that day, after a lengthy discussion on where to go for dinner, we settled on Niko's Mediterranean Grill and Bistro, a proven winner which we had all dined at before (with the possible exception of Joyce). Although primarily a Greek restaurant, I knew their brick oven pizza would satisfy my craving for Italian. We started things off with gorgonzola garlic bread that's served in a "vat of cheese", as my sister Julia affectionately refers to it (she has eaten there before, too). A standard whenever eating at Niko's, we gobbled it up fairly quickly, barely leaving enough time for me to snap a photo (note the nearly empty bowl on the top-left). We also ordered a grilled octopus appetizer, which was a slam dunk, as well. Don't let the notion of eating octopus throw you too much if you encounter it - trust me, you'll be glad you took the plunge in the end. It was like that for me with calamari - I was unjustly wary for the longest time, and now I'm crazy about it.



For the entrees, we had a lot of variety: I ordered a whole pizza for myself (very thin-sliced, though - doubt I would've been able to handle anything but) with sausage and shrimp on top, among other things. Never had shrimp on pizza before, but the option was there, so I figured I'd make an adventure out of it. Daniel got some pasta dish I can't quite remember, Joyce got a jumbo shrimp kabob, and James got a lobster tail special which sold out shortly after we ordered.




Don't let my glum expression of that last candid fool you - everything was delicious. The shrimp weren't super incorporated into the pizza/sauce (they served as more of a garnish for the top), but I was still happy with the addition. We all gorged ourselves silly over good conversation, including a debate on whether one should eat meat if they're truly unable to stomach the sight of how the animals are treated prior to being shipped to restaurants and served. Anand didn't join us this time around, so there were no vegetarians at the table - it was just an interesting discussion. I probably ate the most at this meal than any other on the trip, so I was pretty proud of myself - even had room to go in on some tiramisu with everyone, much to my surprise.



Shot glasses of wine (dessert wine, I believe) were brought out with the check, which was a very nice touch and the perfect capper to an already-stellar meal. All in all, it was a great day for my taste buds, leaving only one more before my return home.

Next up: The third and final day!